Confusion.

Hey guys. I feel like this blog has been more of a diary than usual, I apologize for that. Normal posts will be back next week, life has been incredibly overwhelming lately.

I see people that haven’t been burned before. They’re warm, happy, and smiling. Then there’s me, calculated, collected and cold to the touch. I’ve been burned before. It makes an ice run through my veins in a way it never has to someone who hasn’t been scathed by life itself.

Abandonment, fear, rejection.

One day, when I was a child after my stepfather left my mother and I, I promised myself I would never feel those feelings again. I didn’t, for a long time. I made a mistake and opened up to someone, and I felt those things again. It made the ice return to my body with a vengeance. I felt the electric shock of the fire through my body and the ice in my veins coming back to me like an old friend.

Now I’ve turned into the thing I hated the most. I’m doing to everyone else what he did to me. I don’t want to make people feel small, or shut out, or rejected, but I can’t help it. I’m cold to the touch, and how do you explain that to someone who has never had that fire run through their body, which soon turns to ice? How do you explain that you aren’t capable of feeling those warm and fuzzy things like they do? How do you tell them that all they’re ever going to feel from you is an icy rejection? I ache for touch, but flinch whenever someone gets close enough.

It hurts.

I want to be warm like the sun, like they are. Instead, I’m cold like a child is after playing in the snow on a cold day in December. My cheeks are appealingly rosy, but don’t be fooled, it’s just from the cold.

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